Shopping My Way Through the Disapointment

And I'll be damned if $253.46 spent at the Baby Gap, after a lovely dinner out with my surprisingly sympathetic, and very sweet husband, hasn't made me feel better.

Son of a bitch. Can you believe it???

I'm flattered that God, or the universe, or whatever, thinks that I can handle 3 boys. THREE. My husband felt so sad for me when I called him in tears this morning.....I was a mess. Right off the bat, he said that we could go for Microsort next year if I wanted to. That he loved me, and that this baby will be great, and that he was so sorry I was feeling so sad. And oddly....I like that I have the Microsort option.....but I think I'll be fine with these three boys.

I'll admit that I wanted a girl in part so that I could buy all the achingly cute clothes and shoes. I really am a girly girl, despite the grass stains that 5 years of sons has added to my exterior. I'm also the first to admit that I'd rather eat glass than go through the teenage years with a daughter. No offense to anyone with daughters...it's just that I know how hideous I was as a teenager. And how rude my now classy and successful younger sister was. And how disrespectful my friends were from about age 13 to 23. And we were the "good girls!" The cheerleader-types who maintained good grades and went to youth group on Tuesday nights! Anyway, it was REALLY rough on our Moms. And on us. Are all girls like this? Probably not. I only know what I've experienced. And I know that I couldn't have had a daughter only to send her away for 10 years once she hit 13, right?

Three handsome, sweet, wonderful boys. I'm lucky. Intellectually I feel like I've won the lottery, but every once in awhile my emotions kick in and I just start to cry from the loss of my Tess. It's like in my heart, and in my dreams, I had her. I could see her, and feel her soft curly hair. And now she's gone.

Anyway, each day will be better than the day before - and once he's in my arms I'll fall completely in love (this I know for certain), and this will all wash away -at least for a year or two. So no pity, okay? No tilted-head "I'm so sorry" 's or "Are you okay" 's. I'm not ready for a rally on why I'm so lucky to have a "complete set", or how much boys love their mom's either. I know all of this, and I'm truly grateful. I'm just feeling an emptiness that has no merit - or name really. It just is. And once my new little boy is here, it will fill up and go away.

A much needed glass of wine, I can not have.

So I have more shopping to do.

Sorry Visa.