Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The one that should have stayed in the draft folder...

This is going to end up being one of those less-than-uplifting, journal-ish, just so that I can get some things off my chest type of posts. Not fun. No cute stories about the kids. Just ..........ugh.
So yesterday, I read an article (accidentally) about a 6 year old little boy who has been battling stage 5 neuroblastoma (cancer) for 4 years. This of course led to lots of other stories of dying children. Links are evil like that. He had little, random, seemingly harmless symptoms. Things no parent with a sixth sense worth trusting would worry about. They finally found out what it was the day he refused to walk because his legs hurt so badly. Heartbreaking. The worst case scenario. My worst fear. This set off a day of worry and crying (while the kids were either at school or later - at Grandma's.) Hmmm...think pregnancy hormones did me any favors with this one? Probably not.
Little boy went to bed without incident around 8:15 last night. He woke up crying with a barky cough at about 10:30. No fever, but a really nasty sounding cough and wheezy breathing. You know the kind of cough I mean....you hear it and immediately KNOW that you're taking this kid to the doctor's office the next day. The weirdest part, is that he hasn't had a cold or anything like that. It was so out of the blue. So, predictably - I start worrying.......and worrying.......and worrying some more. I think about the fact that he's had 3 random nose bleeds in the last 2 weeks. And about the big scary looking bug bite on his neck. And about his little foot that turns in causing him to fall down at least once *every time* he runs. I think about the fact that I wouldn't be able to live without him or either of my boys because I love them so much it hurts. And I think about how much I hate being pregnant because the hormones cause me so much emotional angst and torment. I think about how screwed up I am for having watched my Dad die of cancer when I was in high school.....and how I would do anything to not be so scared all the time.

So like I said, this was a "get it off my chest" post. More for me than anything else. That said, how glad am I that I haven't shared this blog with my grandparents or oh-my-god: my awful in-laws. GLAD.

Once I take my little boy to the doctors today (and hopefully have my fears put to rest), I should feel better. I'll be back soon with something easy, and light, and entertaining to read.

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